~day one of suicide loss-the day dawns with beautiful flowers and every moment comes anew~

Seven months and twenty-one days ago my morning quickly morphed into a whirlwind of shock and chaos, despondency and disbelief….and numbness-just numbness.  In a matter of an hour I became a widow, my child lost a father, and we both experienced a loss as a result of suicide.

Within the whirlwind of emotions on that day, the one thought that became prominent for me was this: “I will not let this event define me and I will not let it define my daughter”.

“I will not let this define us”

From that first day on it became my mantra of sorts,  and still today, when an issue or memory is feeling particularly tough, my mind will revert back to this thought “I will not let this define me”, “I will not let this define me”, (deep cleansing breath), “I will not let this define me.”

My partner’s death was not simple. It was a suicide and it was complicated. I had experienced loss and grief but this was different for me.  On that first day, I knew what had happened was bigger than anything I could handle by myself. I could feel it in my soul that I was going to need help, that I was going to need people around me, that I was going to need others to tell me what I needed to do, that I was going to experience a process of living that was beyond my human comprehension–the depths of which I had never experienced–mentally, emotionally or spiritually.

“I did not know it at the time but I was going to need to embrace the grief that was surfacing in order to allow the transformation it was offering”

What I have learned from experiencing the first day of this suicide loss is that this was the initial step of a sacred process that traverses a divine mystery of nature. It is a mystery that is not moved through but that is absorbed into. It is the fortunate honor to acknowledge the deep abyss holding the whirlwind of every emotion, every “why”, every tear, every joy, every memory, every feeling known to existence–it is what we call the mystery of grief.

Sharing my thoughts and experiences around this loss is part of how I am choosing to move forward with renewed intention. The deep speculations, the internal processing, the spiritual communication, the seeking within the pain and the joy– and the daily choice to do my best to live and to create my best intentional life. It is not easy and I am not spot on with it. It takes a conscious daily effort to make it an active process. My hope is that over time, this journey will bring me growth toward the wholeness that I am.