~the senses after suicide loss-the silence speaks gently from the heart, caressing the tender soul above~
I could sense him. In my minds eye I could see him…floating above me looking down at his body, looking at me as I was with him in those first moments. His sense of not knowing what to do, his sense of “what have I just done”, his sense of a release of heaviness of self. And finally, his sense of his own sorrow and grief along with a relief from a lifetime of a mind in need.
He was fluttering in the in-betweenness of heaven and earth, not yet sure of who he was without his body, not yet sure of where to go or what to do. He was figuring out how words speak without a voice–his curiosity of was I aware of him speaking to me? I looked up to let him know that yes, I did “see” him, and I did “hear” him. I was fully aware of him even though he was no longer with me–that how I “hear” him has not changed and that was the one certainty–my voice to his voice and his voice to mine was still the same–it comes from the heart and from the true truncated nature of really living–without being veiled or masked to the life lessons of the world. I saw him, I sensed his thoughts….I sent prayers to him and sent a calling for his support from the spirit world to be with him.
As I started to go numb and into shock, he was becoming aware of the beautiful nothingness of existence. No physical body, no physical form, just beingness and realizing that was him now–no longer on earth, no longer with his earth family, no longer in physical or mental pain–just a release from the turmoils and struggles from a lifetime of a fractured mind. Still in personality but changed in the sacred and eternal ways of knowing life. He was experiencing the mystery of death and moving into the awareness of his new life–that he really had not died, he was still living.
“our voice to each other was still the same–it comes from the heart and from the true truncated nature of really living”
In the moments and days that followed, I could sense him following me from room to room. He was watching the daily activities: of what was happening with his body, who was coming and going from the house, what his daughter was doing and feeling. He was adjusting to the new awkwardness of being everywhere but nowhere all at once. All this going on for him while at the same time, being guided and “sorted” in his new life with his spirit family there to greet and assist him–a grandmother–present to him and there to help him adjust to the love–of being love, and of being unconditionally loved. They were there to assist him to receive the healing and adjustment back to his wholeness of mind and spirit.
“still in personality but changed in the sacred and eternal ways of knowing life”
My receptivity to this allowed for the experiences I had with him after he passed–they were pivotal in my ability to attempt to process and transition from a physical partner to a spiritual partner now in my life. My most poignant experience occurred on the second or third night without him– angels coming to me, fostering the communication– a feeling of a special allowance to be held in his arms one last time and a sense of his need to have this also–the true physical feelings of it. His strength in coming directly to me to have that “last hug” that last feeling from him as close to the physical as possible–being pulled into him and my head on his chest and the strength and pressure sensation of his arms around me–my pain and sorrow and shock–the bewilderment of having this experience with the full appreciation and understood surrender of the “last hug” goodbye.
And with that I had some sense of understanding of his decision to take his life–he had a mind in need, a fracture in his manner of living in the world–undiagnosed but with full awareness that something was wrong and “he was not right”. Over the years, he had done much inner work and had truly changed for the better in many ways. But in the end, for whatever reason, he could not mend the illusionary, painful fractured side of himself. He hid it very well and however he came to the decision, he had had enough and it got the best of him. That “hug” was me feeling him start to purify into his purest sense of living, a cleansing truth in his relationship with me.
“a cleansing truth in his relationship with me”
This I know with my ongoing appreciation with grief and loss– loved ones are still here and available to you. The veil between you and them thins in the initial days after the death. How long it stays that way depends on you and your beliefs and desires to keep hearing from them. It is about frequency and vibration. It is about persistence, faith, and belief. It is about the resolve to not let your ego and social stigma place a hold on what you are sensing–because, believe me–if you feel like you are experiencing something, or feel like you felt or saw something, or if you all of a sudden have a fleeting thought of your loved one and a communication from them–you did…you absolutely did.
Your senses are correct and true. That is the nature of living and thinning the veil between the true knowingness of yourself and your true connection to your loved ones in the spirit world. Believe your senses…acknowledge within yourself that there is life after death and that you can and your loved ones will work to communicate with you. Your feelings, your senses, your spiritual awareness will heighten and as you open, you will be engulfed with love… Believe your senses.