Self Reflection After Suicide Loss


~closing a chapter after suicide loss – the spontaneity of reflection~

Healing involves moving with how your inner wisdom wants to come forth to help you develop that trust of peace and calm–trust of your new world, trust in your new life, trust in the new you that is created by being open to listening to the outer and inner guidance that is telling you “it is time”, “this is not optional anymore”, “you can take this step”, “it is ok to rest”, “take care of you”, “you will get through this”. Healing involves listening to that inner glimmer that is rebuilding within that unseen force of that which you are–

Healing is not being regimented to an itinerary, but placing the intentional direction of your desired outcome and then doing your best to release the end point of how the healing happens.  A kind soul once stated to me that end points can be “messages from life that what we intend does not have to turn out perfect”. I am learning that the openness to that inner guidance is what creates the outcome to wholeness and is what opens a new window of existing in the world after a loss. We choose our direction in life but it is our higher loving wisdom that presents to us the imperfections of the love around it.  These imperfections are what give us the opportunity to release the pain, release the fear, release the trauma and is what moves us forward.

“it is the persistent and intentional prayer for each moment”

Although we can struggle with allowing the healing momentum to occur in its own time, it is the persistent and intentional prayer for each moment to have the highest good, the highest awareness, the highest healing, and the highest calling in every instance which drives a passion towards wholeness. It transcends the faith of that inner wisdom and in the spontaneity of reflection, it somehow becomes an unwitting key to unraveling the enduring nature of those deep aches and pains particular to loss.

With the spontaneity of reflection, it becomes okay to close some of the chapters around a loss while still preserving some of the memories.  Somehow with the spontaneity of reflection, the emotions are set free to join the stream of all other life which encompasses the teachings we have for each other –that basic enduring love, the building block of everything, transcends across “the all” of the beautiful peace of closure and healing.

“free to join the stream of all other life”

I had spent several years coming to my ethical decision to become a gun owner and eventually owned two guns. These were my guns, my responsibility in the ownership and in the actions of how they were respected, handled, stored and used. But in the end my partner used one to take his life and with that action it created an instant layer of brokenness that I would at some point need to muster the resolution of the pain and anger it generated in what I thought was a sacred trust between us–the respect and endurance of the sanctity of our ethical constructs within the value of the relationship.  In some aspect of my truth, part of the ownership of my grief has been with the contribution to the means he chose to end his life. The convenience and availability of the method he used despite all of the safety precautions in place. That he used my gun has been part of where my healing lied.

“the beautiful peace of closure and healing”

From the mystery of my spiritual reflection, I have been able to softly close this chapter of grief.  Forever in my heart, I move forward with a sense of completion and release. Healing an aspect in my existence knowing that even as we are forever entwined in those memories they have been put to an ending in time.  A chapter of my life closed, resting peacefully on a bookshelf inside my heart in an area of cherishment, kindness, sacred knowing and sacred love.

I will always carry my binding love of this partner through me and along side me–beyond the eternal transcendence of infinity–and with the spontaneity of his reflection, he speaks his loving words to me–“don’t forget me”, “you’ll never know how much you mean to me”, “thanks for standing by my side”, “always in my heart”, “I love you”…


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