Self Reflection After Suicide Loss

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~closing a chapter after suicide loss – the spontaneity of reflection~

Healing involves moving with how your inner wisdom wants to come forth to help you develop that trust of peace and calm–trust of your new world, trust in your new life, trust in the new you that is created by being open to listening to the outer and inner guidance that is telling you “it is time”, “this is not optional anymore”, “you can take this step”, “it is ok to rest”, “take care of you”, “you will get through this”. Healing involves listening to that inner glimmer that is rebuilding within that unseen force of that which you are– Continue reading

Experiencing PTSD After Suicide Loss

 

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~the flashbacks from suicide loss – the sojourning nature of a waking heart~

Currently, with my wholeness journey, the inner work seems to be focused on what I call the “spot”.  Fifteen months ago, it was a huge infinite abyss with no edges or borders, today it has reduced down to the “spot”.  If I have a think about it, the mind tells me that there are still any number of “opportunities” in there, but it is now more defined and focused, more healed from the strategies of mending.  If I place my hand over it, my heart is allowing some thaw to its protective numbness of feeling. Continue reading

The Survivorship of Suicide Loss

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~the survivorship of suicide loss-the authentic rendering of a mind in need~


It seems that at any one time, we are all at some constant fluctuating level of a mind in need. We have needs for understanding, needs for acceptance, needs to be loved, needs for companionship, needs for adjustment of who we are now which is different from who we were a moment ago. Continue reading

One Year of Living After Suicide Loss

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~year one of living after suicide loss-the beauty of love is the eternity of forever~


More now than ever I understand that I will carry this loss and tragedy with me forever–in my memories, in my thoughts, in all the life events past and future, with all of the familiar faces and places–in all of the “what will be’s”–I will carry it with me eternally. This is what I have concretely learned in this first year.   Continue reading

Soul Mending After Suicide Loss

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~the mending of suicide loss-kindred patterns woven in the stream of light~


My therapist assures me that I am not “crazy”.  I have used this word countlessly in my therapy sessions-unable to come up with another word in context-that I feel like I am going crazy, that the situation is crazy, the total experience of grief is crazy, how could this happen-crazy, how does this sort of thing happen-crazy, the whirlwind of this journey-crazy, the spiritual experience of it all-amazingly, lovingly, painfully crazy. Continue reading

The Senses After Suicide Loss

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~the senses after suicide loss-the silence speaks gently from the heart, caressing the tender soul above~


I could sense him. In my minds eye I could see him…floating above me looking down at his body, looking at me as I was with him in those first moments. His sense of not knowing what to do, his sense of “what have I just done”, his sense of a release of heaviness of self.  And finally, his sense of his own sorrow and grief along with a relief from a lifetime of a mind in need. Continue reading

The Shock of Suicide Loss

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~the shock of suicide loss-the new turns numb and the silence within is no longer unknown~


On that first day, in the surrounding moments of finding him–there was this inexplicable inability to comprehend. I called to him, I saw him, I touched him–  There was an immediate overwhelming sensation of emotions–and then everything started to go numb. Continue reading