Tree Rings, a Heart, and Grief ~ Change after Suicide Loss

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~O tender heart, with your mosaic, root your wisdom and let it be~

In her beautiful starlit way, she came into the garage and shyly peeked her head around. Her uncertainty, her innocent curiosity, and her amazing bravery are what struck me.  This beautiful young fifteen-year-old was ready to beckon the scene of her father’s death, and she was doing so with what only grace could give–moving within the humility of the unknown. Continue reading

Being Present in the Movement Towards Wholeness

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~Presence, our wholeness as it is — the poetry of living~

When I reflect on my spirituality I think of the lifelong yearning and knowing of spirit moving through me, around me, and within me.  I think of the blessings of spiritual traditions and of the benevolence of the beautiful teachers who have bestowed their graciousness towards me when I’ve taken that bold step towards them. I think of all of the miraculous healing in the everyday life surrounding faith.  I think of all of the goodness of each and every being–and I do my best to feel it. Continue reading

The Survivorship of Suicide Loss

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~the survivorship of suicide loss-the authentic rendering of a mind in need~


It seems that at any one time, we are all at some constant fluctuating level of a mind in need. We have needs for understanding, needs for acceptance, needs to be loved, needs for companionship, needs for adjustment of who we are now which is different from who we were a moment ago. Continue reading

Soul Mending After Suicide Loss

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~the mending of suicide loss-kindred patterns woven in the stream of light~


My therapist assures me that I am not “crazy”.  I have used this word countlessly in my therapy sessions-unable to come up with another word in context-that I feel like I am going crazy, that the situation is crazy, the total experience of grief is crazy, how could this happen-crazy, how does this sort of thing happen-crazy, the whirlwind of this journey-crazy, the spiritual experience of it all-amazingly, lovingly, painfully crazy. Continue reading

The Grief of Suicide Loss

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~the grief of suicide loss-the lifetimes of existence, ever reaching to the hearts of many~


In those first weeks to months after his passing, the word grief became a universal descriptor. As I experienced how tangible his essence was around me–in every part of our home, in every part of my memories, in every part of my questioning–I understood that he was also a part of the existence within the existence of my life. He wasn’t going anywhere and he was absorbed into me immediately. Everything that I was absorbing, everything that I was feeling and everything that I could feel conglomerated into that descripting swirl of grief. Continue reading

The Senses After Suicide Loss

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~the senses after suicide loss-the silence speaks gently from the heart, caressing the tender soul above~


I could sense him. In my minds eye I could see him…floating above me looking down at his body, looking at me as I was with him in those first moments. His sense of not knowing what to do, his sense of “what have I just done”, his sense of a release of heaviness of self.  And finally, his sense of his own sorrow and grief along with a relief from a lifetime of a mind in need. Continue reading

Day One of Suicide Loss

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~day one of suicide loss-the day dawns with beautiful flowers and every moment comes anew~


Seven months and twenty-one days ago my morning quickly morphed into a whirlwind of shock and chaos, despondency and disbelief….and numbness-just numbness.  In a matter of an hour I became a widow, my child lost a father, and we both experienced a loss as a result of suicide. Continue reading