Tree Rings, a Heart, and Grief ~ Change after Suicide Loss

20181225_004231-1

~O tender heart, with your mosaic, root your wisdom and let it be~

In her beautiful starlit way, she came into the garage and shyly peeked her head around. Her uncertainty, her innocent curiosity, and her amazing bravery are what struck me.  This beautiful young fifteen-year-old was ready to beckon the scene of her father’s death, and she was doing so with what only grace could give–moving within the humility of the unknown. Continue reading

The Enduring Nature of Ourselves

20170930_100110

~Our enduring nature–in the steadfast echoes of eternal infinity, is the motion of stillness~

It has been a year since my last post.  A year since climbing a mountain where my daughter and I brought his ashes home and released them to the wind.  I have needed that time–percolating the inwardness, percolating the understanding to endure, percolating deep patience and deep forgiveness–of myself.  Continue reading

Being Present in the Movement Towards Wholeness

94b30928447016b99d74e7b45e6dc1eb

~Presence, our wholeness as it is — the poetry of living~

When I reflect on my spirituality I think of the lifelong yearning and knowing of spirit moving through me, around me, and within me.  I think of the blessings of spiritual traditions and of the benevolence of the beautiful teachers who have bestowed their graciousness towards me when I’ve taken that bold step towards them. I think of all of the miraculous healing in the everyday life surrounding faith.  I think of all of the goodness of each and every being–and I do my best to feel it. Continue reading

The Importance of Breath with Suicide Loss

41f037619679fc8b9e4bacb48360a8ed

~the mingled breath of wholeness – the draw of who we are~

Taking that deep breath which moves us to our place of peace and inner stillness, that is the draw of who we are.  Breath is the phenomenal brilliance of our origin. It is the radiant sensation of grace that creates the beautiful glow in our existence.  It is our generosity, our patience, our tolerance, and our wisdom. Breath is our compassion. It is our loving kindness.  It is us.  We are our breath, we are our place of peace and inner stillness. We are the draw of who we are. Continue reading

Experiencing PTSD After Suicide Loss

 

be2699ef785c63ca2a541d61d13efd86

~the flashbacks from suicide loss – the sojourning nature of a waking heart~

Currently, with my wholeness journey, the inner work seems to be focused on what I call the “spot”.  Fifteen months ago, it was a huge infinite abyss with no edges or borders, today it has reduced down to the “spot”.  If I have a think about it, the mind tells me that there are still any number of “opportunities” in there, but it is now more defined and focused, more healed from the strategies of mending.  If I place my hand over it, my heart is allowing some thaw to its protective numbness of feeling. Continue reading

The Survivorship of Suicide Loss

flower-1444550_640


~the survivorship of suicide loss-the authentic rendering of a mind in need~


It seems that at any one time, we are all at some constant fluctuating level of a mind in need. We have needs for understanding, needs for acceptance, needs to be loved, needs for companionship, needs for adjustment of who we are now which is different from who we were a moment ago. Continue reading

One Year of Living After Suicide Loss

10520892_294146264092958_4618801788215823945_n


~year one of living after suicide loss-the beauty of love is the eternity of forever~


More now than ever I understand that I will carry this loss and tragedy with me forever–in my memories, in my thoughts, in all the life events past and future, with all of the familiar faces and places–in all of the “what will be’s”–I will carry it with me eternally. This is what I have concretely learned in this first year.   Continue reading