~Our enduring nature–in the steadfast echoes of eternal infinity, is the motion of stillness~
It has been a year since my last post. A year since climbing a mountain where my daughter and I brought his ashes home and released them to the wind. I have needed that time–percolating the inwardness, percolating the understanding to endure, percolating deep patience and deep forgiveness–of myself. Continue reading
“The spreading of ashes – the final return”
On this day, the mountains, lakes, and streams are my Universe. On this day, the sounds of the wind, rain, and even the clouds are my calling prayers in meditation. On this day, the rays of the sun glistening through the aspen are the warming presence in the lofty shadows that follow. And on this day, the prism of the double rainbow streaming across the distant valley is the omnipresence of Spirit in all things. Continue reading
~Presence, our wholeness as it is — the poetry of living~
When I reflect on my spirituality I think of the lifelong yearning and knowing of spirit moving through me, around me, and within me. I think of the blessings of spiritual traditions and of the benevolence of the beautiful teachers who have bestowed their graciousness towards me when I’ve taken that bold step towards them. I think of all of the miraculous healing in the everyday life surrounding faith. I think of all of the goodness of each and every being–and I do my best to feel it. Continue reading
~the mingled breath of wholeness – the draw of who we are~
Taking that deep breath which moves us to our place of peace and inner stillness, that is the draw of who we are. Breath is the phenomenal brilliance of our origin. It is the radiant sensation of grace that creates the beautiful glow in our existence. It is our generosity, our patience, our tolerance, and our wisdom. Breath is our compassion. It is our loving kindness. It is us. We are our breath, we are our place of peace and inner stillness. We are the draw of who we are. Continue reading
~closing a chapter after suicide loss – the spontaneity of reflection~
Healing involves moving with how your inner wisdom wants to come forth to help you develop that trust of peace and calm–trust of your new world, trust in your new life, trust in the new you that is created by being open to listening to the outer and inner guidance that is telling you “it is time”, “this is not optional anymore”, “you can take this step”, “it is ok to rest”, “take care of you”, “you will get through this”. Healing involves listening to that inner glimmer that is rebuilding within that unseen force of that which you are– Continue reading
~the survivorship of suicide loss-the authentic rendering of a mind in need~
It seems that at any one time, we are all at some constant fluctuating level of a mind in need. We have needs for understanding, needs for acceptance, needs to be loved, needs for companionship, needs for adjustment of who we are now which is different from who we were a moment ago. Continue reading
~year one of living after suicide loss-the beauty of love is the eternity of forever~
More now than ever I understand that I will carry this loss and tragedy with me forever–in my memories, in my thoughts, in all the life events past and future, with all of the familiar faces and places–in all of the “what will be’s”–I will carry it with me eternally. This is what I have concretely learned in this first year. Continue reading
~the mending of suicide loss-kindred patterns woven in the stream of light~
My therapist assures me that I am not “crazy”. I have used this word countlessly in my therapy sessions-unable to come up with another word in context-that I feel like I am going crazy, that the situation is crazy, the total experience of grief is crazy, how could this happen-crazy, how does this sort of thing happen-crazy, the whirlwind of this journey-crazy, the spiritual experience of it all-amazingly, lovingly, painfully crazy. Continue reading
~the engagement of suicide loss-comforting its place as the late season blooms~
The police have teams assigned for situations like this. There was the response team for the 911 call, an officer partnered with the local fire chaplain, additional police that seemed to be support persons for the scene, another officer who became the point of contact for the police report, and the medical examiner along with those he brought with him. Continue reading
~day one of suicide loss-the day dawns with beautiful flowers and every moment comes anew~
Seven months and twenty-one days ago my morning quickly morphed into a whirlwind of shock and chaos, despondency and disbelief….and numbness-just numbness. In a matter of an hour I became a widow, my child lost a father, and we both experienced a loss as a result of suicide. Continue reading
The Muse of Wildflowers 