~Presence, our wholeness as it is — the poetry of living~

When I reflect on my spirituality I think of the lifelong yearning and knowing of spirit moving through me, around me, and within me.  I think of the blessings of spiritual traditions and of the benevolence of the beautiful teachers who have bestowed their graciousness towards me when I’ve taken that bold step towards them. I think of all of the miraculous healing in the everyday life surrounding faith.  I think of all of the goodness of each and every being–and I do my best to feel it.

I do my best to feel the wholeness that permeates through it all–no matter the disquietude of it, no matter the meek awareness in it, or the precious magnitude of the passionate yearning prayer or the quiet contemplative meditation–the feeling is always there…somewhere. Always somewhere to help the darkness transfigure into tender effervescent light within the sacred living that we are. The divine spirit in our faith–love as wholeness.  Wholeness as it is for each of us.  Wholeness in the present moment.

~to bring and become spirit in our living with all things–and to sit in it~

We are body and soul encompassed with spirit. However we land there, we are called to and find solace in our traditions, but regardless of the distinctions within those practices, we are universally here to live in loving kindness, grace and tenderness, peace and wonder. We are not a dogma. We are the wholeness of everything. To bring and to become spirit in our living with all things…and to sit in it. To sit in the middle of the turbulence of living as it spins around us like the whirlwind of a tornado–we are in its eye–sitting there learning the peaceful action of compassion and humility, non-judgement and impermanence, transcendent beauty in all things and all events. Sitting in the middle of it until the healing awareness transforms our relationships and we come to a place of aware stillness.  The stillness in the present moment.

And from this, in the loving wholeness that we are, is born the true forgiveness from the hardiness of our being–revealing that there is more to everything than the current moment or the current emotion which we are in; but it is that ‘current’ which creates the everything of what is us, creates the everything of what is and creates the everything of just being present. Presence in the stillness of being whole.

~with loss, being in presence is a difficulty~

Early on in this wholeness journey, many of my thoughts and struggles centered around ‘it’–getting it, loving it, suffering from it, forgiving it, experiencing anger at it, taking a break from it, surrendering to it–referring to the generic ‘it’ for every non-descript reference.  I would be asked “tell me about it”, “what did I think about it”, “how does it feel”, “how do I feel when it comes up”, “what’s occurring in my life when it is there”–the key palliative provocations by those in witness to my deep healing.

In trying to answer those questions, many times it was and still is a stubborn, driven, avoidant persistence of “I don’t know but ‘it’ is just not right” or “I am just not OK with ‘it'”.  For me, I knew that ‘it’ was where I wanted to be and ‘it’ was what I wanted to know. Somehow  ‘it’ was the key for me.   I now know that ‘it’ is my presence.   ‘It’ is my being present in my wholeness as it is.

~the precious magnitude of the passionate yearning prayer or the quiet contemplative meditation–the feeling is always there..somewhere~

With loss, being in presence is a difficulty. The mind is always dissecting the loss, searching for the answers, deciphering the pain–the grief is such that what is presence can be a whirlwind of consciousness with no focal point and no point of reference. It is not grounding, it is disheveling at all levels.  Until I could realize that the dishevelment was my presence at that current moment, I could not feel the stillness and I could not feel any semblance of wholeness.  I could not begin to find my reconciled supplication in the stillness of my being present–in the wholeness–as it was at each moment.

Working with presence is what is washing away my fears of the future and clearing the weeds from my past. Allowing presence, even if only a glimpse, is what is transforming my deep internal feelings into actuality in my everyday life.  It is what is giving me the strength to communicate from the silence within.  To communicate by feeling and then allowing the feeling to form the words.  To not be afraid to share those unspoken words and to share the vulnerabilities that allow the ego to dissolve and to be less controlling.  And it is this that I can truly be present and truly whole–wholeness as it is in the current moment–that true commitment to the attention of spirit within me, without me, above me, below me and between me–finding the rhythm of God in the sanctuary of presence, the beauty in presence, and in the ancient sanctity instilled in my wholeness as it is in the current moment.