“The spreading of ashes – the final return”
On this day, the mountains, lakes, and streams are my Universe. On this day, the sounds of the wind, rain, and even the clouds are my calling prayers in meditation. On this day, the rays of the sun glistening through the aspen are the warming presence in the lofty shadows that follow. And on this day, the prism of the double rainbow streaming across the distant valley is the omnipresence of Spirit in all things. Continue reading
~Presence, our wholeness as it is — the poetry of living~
When I reflect on my spirituality I think of the lifelong yearning and knowing of spirit moving through me, around me, and within me. I think of the blessings of spiritual traditions and of the benevolence of the beautiful teachers who have bestowed their graciousness towards me when I’ve taken that bold step towards them. I think of all of the miraculous healing in the everyday life surrounding faith. I think of all of the goodness of each and every being–and I do my best to feel it. Continue reading
~closing a chapter after suicide loss – the spontaneity of reflection~
Healing involves moving with how your inner wisdom wants to come forth to help you develop that trust of peace and calm–trust of your new world, trust in your new life, trust in the new you that is created by being open to listening to the outer and inner guidance that is telling you “it is time”, “this is not optional anymore”, “you can take this step”, “it is ok to rest”, “take care of you”, “you will get through this”. Healing involves listening to that inner glimmer that is rebuilding within that unseen force of that which you are– Continue reading
~the flashbacks from suicide loss – the sojourning nature of a waking heart~
Currently, with my wholeness journey, the inner work seems to be focused on what I call the “spot”. Fifteen months ago, it was a huge infinite abyss with no edges or borders, today it has reduced down to the “spot”. If I have a think about it, the mind tells me that there are still any number of “opportunities” in there, but it is now more defined and focused, more healed from the strategies of mending. If I place my hand over it, my heart is allowing some thaw to its protective numbness of feeling. Continue reading
~year one of living after suicide loss-the beauty of love is the eternity of forever~
More now than ever I understand that I will carry this loss and tragedy with me forever–in my memories, in my thoughts, in all the life events past and future, with all of the familiar faces and places–in all of the “what will be’s”–I will carry it with me eternally. This is what I have concretely learned in this first year. Continue reading
~the mending of suicide loss-kindred patterns woven in the stream of light~
My therapist assures me that I am not “crazy”. I have used this word countlessly in my therapy sessions-unable to come up with another word in context-that I feel like I am going crazy, that the situation is crazy, the total experience of grief is crazy, how could this happen-crazy, how does this sort of thing happen-crazy, the whirlwind of this journey-crazy, the spiritual experience of it all-amazingly, lovingly, painfully crazy. Continue reading
~the engagement of suicide loss-comforting its place as the late season blooms~
The police have teams assigned for situations like this. There was the response team for the 911 call, an officer partnered with the local fire chaplain, additional police that seemed to be support persons for the scene, another officer who became the point of contact for the police report, and the medical examiner along with those he brought with him. Continue reading
~the grief of suicide loss-the lifetimes of existence, ever reaching to the hearts of many~
In those first weeks to months after his passing, the word grief became a universal descriptor. As I experienced how tangible his essence was around me–in every part of our home, in every part of my memories, in every part of my questioning–I understood that he was also a part of the existence within the existence of my life. He wasn’t going anywhere and he was absorbed into me immediately. Everything that I was absorbing, everything that I was feeling and everything that I could feel conglomerated into that descripting swirl of grief. Continue reading
~the senses after suicide loss-the silence speaks gently from the heart, caressing the tender soul above~
I could sense him. In my minds eye I could see him…floating above me looking down at his body, looking at me as I was with him in those first moments. His sense of not knowing what to do, his sense of “what have I just done”, his sense of a release of heaviness of self. And finally, his sense of his own sorrow and grief along with a relief from a lifetime of a mind in need. Continue reading
The Muse of Wildflowers 