The Survivorship of Suicide Loss

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~the survivorship of suicide loss-the authentic rendering of a mind in need~


It seems that at any one time, we are all at some constant fluctuating level of a mind in need. We have needs for understanding, needs for acceptance, needs to be loved, needs for companionship, needs for adjustment of who we are now which is different from who we were a moment ago. Continue reading

One Year of Living After Suicide Loss

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~year one of living after suicide loss-the beauty of love is the eternity of forever~


More now than ever I understand that I will carry this loss and tragedy with me forever–in my memories, in my thoughts, in all the life events past and future, with all of the familiar faces and places–in all of the “what will be’s”–I will carry it with me eternally. This is what I have concretely learned in this first year.   Continue reading

Soul Mending After Suicide Loss

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~the mending of suicide loss-kindred patterns woven in the stream of light~


My therapist assures me that I am not “crazy”.  I have used this word countlessly in my therapy sessions-unable to come up with another word in context-that I feel like I am going crazy, that the situation is crazy, the total experience of grief is crazy, how could this happen-crazy, how does this sort of thing happen-crazy, the whirlwind of this journey-crazy, the spiritual experience of it all-amazingly, lovingly, painfully crazy. Continue reading

Engaging Life After Suicide Loss

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~the engagement of suicide loss-comforting its place as the late season blooms~


The police have teams assigned for situations like this. There was the response team for the 911 call, an officer partnered with the local fire chaplain, additional police that seemed to be support persons for the scene, another officer who became the point of contact for the police report, and the medical examiner along with those he brought with him. Continue reading

The Grief of Suicide Loss

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~the grief of suicide loss-the lifetimes of existence, ever reaching to the hearts of many~


In those first weeks to months after his passing, the word grief became a universal descriptor. As I experienced how tangible his essence was around me–in every part of our home, in every part of my memories, in every part of my questioning–I understood that he was also a part of the existence within the existence of my life. He wasn’t going anywhere and he was absorbed into me immediately. Everything that I was absorbing, everything that I was feeling and everything that I could feel conglomerated into that descripting swirl of grief. Continue reading

The Senses After Suicide Loss

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~the senses after suicide loss-the silence speaks gently from the heart, caressing the tender soul above~


I could sense him. In my minds eye I could see him…floating above me looking down at his body, looking at me as I was with him in those first moments. His sense of not knowing what to do, his sense of “what have I just done”, his sense of a release of heaviness of self.  And finally, his sense of his own sorrow and grief along with a relief from a lifetime of a mind in need. Continue reading

Day One of Suicide Loss

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~day one of suicide loss-the day dawns with beautiful flowers and every moment comes anew~


Seven months and twenty-one days ago my morning quickly morphed into a whirlwind of shock and chaos, despondency and disbelief….and numbness-just numbness.  In a matter of an hour I became a widow, my child lost a father, and we both experienced a loss as a result of suicide. Continue reading